Second Chances
by Foxfeather
Summary: Harry learns a few new things about his dad. James/Remus, Harry/Remus. This story is slash, nothing graphic, but nevertheless.
1. Second Chances

Second Chances 

Title: Second Chances 

Author: Foxfeather

Email: alwest@cityweb.de

Archive: [F4 - FoxFeather's FanFiction][1]. Elsewhere: yes, but please tell me where!

Rating: PG - PG13

Pairing: James Potter / Remus Lupin, Harry Potter / Remus Lupin

Spoilers: Book 3: Prisoner of Azkaban. But tell me, which story about Remus Lupin wouldn't have spoilers for this one ;-)?

Warnings: None. Except that this is slash, folks!

Notes: For all who think Student/Teacher relationships to be *urgh*, please read the rating! And this takes place in Harry's seventh year.

And I want to say "Thank you" to Sekhmet, my beta!

Summary: Harry gets a new impression of his father.

Disclaimer: Everything Potter is J.K.Rowling's. Not mine. sniff

"Professor Lupin? Can I come in?" Harry knocked again, then, when he heard some funny noises from inside, he carefully opened the door.

What he saw made him snort in laughter. Professor Lupin, once again teaching Defense against the Dark Arts in what was now Harry's seventh year, was balancing a huge pile of parchment rolls. However, they steadfastly refused to let themselves be moved in the direction Lupin wanted them to go.

"Next time you'll remember to take them one by one, Remus! Damn, how do I get rid of them without creating a complete mess? Remus, you're a complete idiot!" Harry heard his teacher mutter under his breath.

Lupin was so involved in fighting with the rolls of parchment that he hadn't heard Harry entering. "Wait, I'll help you", Harry said and closed the door behind him. Startled,// Lupin jumped, and the pile of parchment started to sway dangerously. Harry leaped forward and just managed to stop the rolls from clattering to the floor by pressing his body against Lupin, effectively capturing the parchment rolls between them.

"Just great!" Harry sighed. Between the rolls he saw Lupin's eyes flashing impishly. "Kodak-moment!" he grinned. After a second he snorted with laughter. Again, the parchment rolls began to rock precariously. Harry grabbed Lupin even tighter and pressed his body to his. Then he started. In his inner eye flashed a rather amusing picture of their current predicament.

Harry Potter and Remus J. Lupin lying in each other's arms like lovers, the whole scene decorated with parchments sticking out in every direction. Perfect! Harry desperately tried to hold his breath but it was too late. A nasty laughing fit hit him with full power. The parchment rolls landed with a great clatter on the floor, scattering in all directions. Lupin had tears of laughter in his eyes. No longer able to control his own muscles, he lost his balance as he tried to grab one of the parchments. Breathless with laughter, he grabbed Harry and pulled him down with him to the floor when his legs refused to carry him any longer. Minutes later they were still wiping the tears of laughter from their eyes.

"Something like that should happen to Snape!" Lupin said when he found his breath.

"Highly unlikely", Harry answered laconically.

Lupin snorted approvingly and rose from the floor. "Now, one at a time." He bent down and picked up one roll of parchment.

Harry started to collect the other parchments and passed them to Lupin. "Hey, isn't that mine?" he asked, waving one of them.

"Hm, yes, it is. Good work, but nevertheless you'll have to wait for the day after tomorrow until you get your mark." Professor Lupin stored the parchments on a shelf beneath his desk. It had compartments for his classes into which he sorted the rolls. "White ribbon, First years. Green, Fourth years. Black, Seventh years. White, white, black, green, black, white. That's it." 

Lupin turned around and held out his hand to help Harry to get up from the floor. "Thanks for your help." Lupin looked searchingly around. In addition to the desk and the shelves, the office was furnished with two old armchairs positioned left and right of the fireside and a small table with a teakettle, cups and some small paperbags on top. Under the table stood an old, lockable bedside table. It began to sway as Lupin looked to see if he really hadn't lost a parchment under it. "The boggart for the Second years", he explained with a smile. The wall was covered with bookshelves. In one corner lay a pile of blankets that Lupin tugged into a nest while in his wolf-form. Lupin straightened himself and stared at the table for some seconds, obviously lost in thought. Then he picked up one of the small bags and turned to Harry.

"Would you like some tea? I can offer Chinese jasmine tea today."

Harry sat down in one of the armchairs and nodded. "Yes, please!"

Lupin tapped the kettle with his wand. Instantly, white steam shot out of the spout. Then he put his wand away and put a tea filter into a slightly chipped teapot. Carefully, he spooned some loose tea leaves into it and covered it with the by now slightly cooled water. "Green tea is best when you prepare it without magic", he explained to Harry. A flowery bouquet drifted through the room.

"I actually came by today because of the photo album, Professor", Harry said as he took his cup of tea. 

A smile washed over Lupin's features. "The photo album. Yes, Harry, I didn't forget that." He put his cup down, pulled a book out of one of the shelves and vanished through a secret door next to the fireside into the adjoining room. Curiously, Harry rose to have a look. Directly next to the secret door, that didn't look secret at all from the other side, was another fireplace that was somehow irritating. In front of it stood a comfortable set of mismatched armchairs and a sofa that was overflowing with pillows. On the other side of the room stood a four-poster bed that looked like the ones in the Gryffindor dorms. This one wasn't decorated in red and gold, though. Its curtains were drawn open and the setting sun made them shimmer in an almost golden looking warm green. On the comforter lay a bedspread that seemed to be sewed out of one thousand and one patches. Stripes, squares, floral designs and plain patches where sewn wildly on top of and next to each other. At first glance, the thing looked gaudy, but on a second one, it looked so inviting and comfortable that Harry wanted to wrap himself in it and sit down in front of the fireplace. At the foot of the bed Professor Lupin was busy rummaging through the contents of a large chest.

"Gotcha!" he muttered. He closed the chest and got up, triumphantly waving a worn-looking book bound in reddish-brown leather.

When he turned, he saw Harry standing in the door. "You're right. Get the teacups, it's much more comfortable here in this room." He pointed his wand at the fireplace and with a soft hissing sound a fire began to spread its soothing atmosphere. When Harry came back with the two teacups, he noticed what had irritated him about the fireside. The one in this room and the office seemed to be one and the same. Or at least existing at the same place at the same time, for the one in the office was still cold. Two firesides, wall to wall were not possible; they were both too deep for that.

Harry shook his head and put the cups down on the table. Lupin squeezed himself between the pillows on the sofa and motioned for Harry to do the same. "Let's go then. In here will be some things you'll like to see."

He took the album and opened it. Harry leaned towards him and examined the old pictures that were glued to the pages.

"These early photos won't be of interest to you. These are my parents", Lupin explained. A young couple eyed Harry curiously and then began to whisper. "The picture is one of the oldest inside this book. Oh! Er, that's me. The only picture of me before I was bitten." 

Lupin slumped down a bit. Harry shot him a glance. Despite the fact that everybody at Hogwarts knew about his 'disease', Lupin didn't talk about it. Harry examined the photo more closely. A boy, about three years old, his shirt hanging halfway out of the waistband of his shorts, stood with his thumb in his mouth in front of a house that was overgrown with ivy. Next to him lay a wooden scooter. The boy looked at Harry and scratched a grazed knee with his free hand. When Harry looked even closer to catch a glimpse of today's Lupin in this young face, the boy took his thumb out if his mouth, put his tongue out at him, grabbed his scooter and scooted out of the picture.

Lupin cleared his throat and grinned, embarrassed, at Harry. "Quite cheeky, me, then."

Harry grinned back and turned the page. The next set of photos had been made in his time at Hogwarts. Harry started. "Aren't there any pictures of your childhood?" 

Lupin didn't look at him when he answered. "No, Harry. My parents.... they didn't feel it necessary to photograph a werewolf. Perhaps they were afraid my photo-me could attack the other photo-people at the full moon", Lupin joked. But his smile didn't reach his eyes. 

Harry felt a sting of pity inside. But Lupin had already pointed to the next photograph and was putting names to the faces of friends from long ago. It was obvious that he didn't want to talk about this episode of his life. Harry concentrated back on the album. But the thought of how Lupin's childhood might have been still nagged on his mind.

When he turned the page he flinched. Sirius Black's face in close-up, making funny faces at him took up one whole page. "That was in our first year. Before he knew what I...." Lupin hesitated. "....that I was a werewolf."

He turned the page. "This picture was shot directly after James and Sirius told me they knew. And, that they didn't mind." There sat Lupin in the Gryffindors' common room, which hadn't changed a bit in these many years, in a huge armchair. He looked exhausted and as if he'd cried, but he beamed with joy. Left and right of him on the arms of the chair sat James Potter and Sirius Black, hugging him. "Sirius said that we had to capture this moment for eternity. As if I would forget it!" Lupin sighed.

There were more photos of James, Sirius, Peter Pettigrew and Lupin himself. Later, Lily Evans joined them. For every picture, Lupin had a story to tell. "In that one, James had visited the kitchens one night, hidden under his Invisibility Cloak. We had to roll him to class next morning, for he had had to taste _everything_ down there." The James on the photo suddenly held his hand on his mouth and ran away. "And that's Sirius with red hair. I must say that Snape had to run around bald that day until our healer had mixed up a hair-restorer. Unfortunately, he refused to let himself be photographed. It was a sight for the Gods!"

Further at the end of the album Harry found photos he already knew. He had copies of them in his own album. Pictures of his parents' wedding, with Sirius as their best man. "I shot most of these pictures", Lupin explained. "That's why I'm not in them. Only on one...." He turned the pages searchingly. "....there, the one we're all in." 

The picture he pointed to was a large size group photo with Harry's parents in the middle. Sirius was standing on their right side, Peter on the left. Lupin was half hidden behind Sirius. Amidst the many other wizards and witches, Harry spotted Hagrid, Professor Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall. "I had no idea they had been present at my parent's wedding!" Harry said astonished.

"Dumbledore was the one who lead through the ceremony. It was wonderful." Lupin smiled. "As wonderful as the couple it was meant for." He turned the page.

In one of the following pictures Lily Potter was sitting exhaustedly on a chair, stretching her legs. When she noticed somebody was watching her, she straightened, held her tummy and waved. "She was so proud when she was pregnant with you, Harry. She showed her swollen tummy to everybody, interested or not." Lupin's gaze veiled in the memory. "I remember exactly the day you kicked me through her tummy the first time." Harry stared at him. Lupin grinned. "You were pretty.... active, you know? Sometimes one could see how Lily's belly stretched and dented under your movements." 

Harry didn't know what to say, so he just smiled and turned to the next page. "But, that's me!" On the next photo James Potter was holding a bundle that was wrapped in a white blanket. He turned a bit and pushed the blanket away. A shock of black hair came into view and then baby Harry blinked sleepily into the camera.

"Yes, Harry, and it is the only photo I have of you. And it's the last one in this book." Lupin started to close the book, but Harry stopped him. "Wait! What's that?"

Lupin opened the album again. Glued to the last page was a large brown envelope that looked slightly burned. In ornate letters the name "Remus" was written on it. Harry looked questioningly at his Professor.

Lupin had slumped down dejectedly. He looked sad and proud at the same time. "Harry", he started, "I don't know if you...." He stopped and Harry could see in his face that he was making a decision. "This letter is from your father. It was one of the few things that were recovered undamaged from the ruins of Godric's Hollow. It's more a diary than a letter. I don't think James ever intended me to read it, although my name is written on the envelope. But the wizards of the ministry who found it passed it on to me."

Carefully, he detached the envelope from the album's page and weighed it in his hand. "What is written in this diary will not be what you would expect from your father. But is also is something that as much a part of James as possible. When you read these pages, the image you have of your father will change. Perhaps a lot. It is your decision if you want to read this or not. But if you want to learn of how your father had been, deep inside, then read."

He gave Harry the packet. Spellbound, Harry took it. It was heavier than it looked. Lupin placed his hand on Harry's arm. "But I want you to promise me something. What is written in this letter is very private. To James, and to me. Please show these pages to nobody. Even Lily didn't know they existed. Sirius doesn't know about them, either. They are.... very precious to me."

Harry looked at Lupin's face. The room's atmosphere had changed to something solemn and grave. Harry sensed that Lupin was going to share something with him he hadn't shared with anybody before. "I promise, Professor." Solemnly, he took Lupin's hand in both of his and shook it firmly.

Lupin smiled at him and rose. "I bet you can't wait to read the diary. Don't judge too quickly, though. Come back to me when you've read it. You'll have many questions, then." He shot Harry a look that was almost scared.

Harry said goodbye and left the room through Lupin's office. What could be so mysterious about this diary that Lupin secretly dreaded him reading it?

It was only later in the evening that Harry was able to open the envelope and read the letters. He had feigned a headache and had vanished up into his dormitory early. There he pulled the curtains of his four-poster and crawled under the covers. "Lumos", he whispered, and at the end of his wand appeared a tiny spark of light. Carefully, he opened the envelope. Inside was a packet of handwritten paper.

Rolls of parchment, folded to make them fit into the envelope, were there, as well as something that looked like torn out pages of a book. The whole bundle was bound together with a woven cord. Harry opened it and carefully unfolded the piece of parchment that lay on top. He made himself comfortable and began to read.

~~ April 15th, 1973 

> Dear diary. This is the first time I write to you, but I simply had to tell somebody what happened today. And I don't want to forget it as long as I live. As you perhaps know, this is my first year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I have found many friends, but my best friends are Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. I met them on the Hogwarts Express. Sirius is some kind of a bigmouth, he is constantly planning pranks. Peter is small and shy, you hardly notice him, but he's okay. And Remus. Well, Remus is ill rather often. He is pale and reserved, and he is something like our combined conscience. He helps Peter, when he's not getting along in class and is there every time you need somebody. You hardly notice Remus, too, but you can tell he's there. He's not as... gray... as Peter is.
> 
> As I said, Remus is often ill. And since today, we know why. Sirius noticed that his illness seemed to be chronic. Every time it's the same. He gets irritable and pale and looks even thinner than usual. I noticed, too, that he becomes ill once a month. When Peter gave me a novel that was too creepy for him, the pieces of the puzzle came together. The novel was about a werewolf. Sirius and I scanned the library for literature about werewolves and it all fit perfectly. Okay, not perfectly, for Remus isn't all hairy and dangerous and mean. Tonight, we asked him if our suspicions were true. Oh boy, we really weren't prepared for Remus' reaction! He paled and then very slowly rose from his seat. Sirius, the dunderhead, didn't recognize what happened and continued to pester him with questions and the like. And he marched straight up to him. Remus must have switched off somehow. He flinched when Sirius approached him. And then he changed. Not physically, but in his appearance. He crouched down and started to snarl. Like a beast of prey. Only then Sirius recognized that he was driving him into a corner. Remus then started to growl at him. When he changed his position to get a chair between himself and Sirius, I was able to look into his eyes. They looked defensive and there was something else. I still shudder when I think of that. Disappointment, fear, hurt and a deep, deep sadness. It came to me that I never tried to see the issue from Remus' point of view. Werewolves are hunted and killed when found. And he must have been thinking that we.....
> 
> I remember that I started to babble. After some time, Remus calmed down and started to listen to me without being in defense-mode. Sirius needed some time longer 'til he realized that being a werewolf wasn't at all cool. We talked a long time until Remus really realized that we meant him no harm and started to trust us again. And he needed even longer until he believed us when we said that we still wanted to be his friends. Then he broke down completely. And I had to punch Sirius hard in the ribs until he stopped pestering Remus with questions about the when, where, how, and what's it like. Remus is not ready to talk about all that stuff.
> 
> He just came in and asked me what I was writing. When I told him, he paled again. I promised him to hide these pages as well as I can. So nobody will ever learn about him from them.~~

Harry looked up. He could picture the scene so vividly in his mind. Though everybody knew today what Professor Lupin was, he only reluctantly spoke about his 'disease'. What he must have felt when he discovered that his father and Sirius had found out about him must have triggered inside him, Harry could hardly imagine. 

His life was so different from Lupin's. Everybody knew Harry Potter, knew who he was. 'The Boy Who Lived'. Nobody knew what Lupin was. But while Harry didn't know exactly what was expected from him, Lupin knew precisely what the wizarding world thought about his kin. Hoping to find out more about Lupin's world and his father, Harry put the first page aside and took a piece of paper from the packet.

~~ May 1st, 1973 

> Hello diary! It's me again. Binn's lessons are so boring that I'll pretend to be making notes. It'll be too conspicuous to get out a piece of parchment right now, so I'll use this page out of my book. It's empty anyway.
> 
> Remus has calmed down. A bit. I still catch him glancing at me or at Sirius suspiciously. As if he's afraid we only _act_ friendly toward him. It hurts me that he mistrusts us, but I can understand him. I can't imagine what he must be going through. He still talks little about his condition. Sirius is still trying to pester him, but Remus just needs time to be able to trust us this far. I don't think he has talked with anybody about his lycanthropy. Save for Dumbledore, perhaps. He has told us that he only could come to Hogwarts because Dumbledore supported it. That he has a place to hide on the full moon where he isn't able to hurt anybody. And that he has been only six years old when he received the bite. His parents didn't let him go out after that. Perhaps that explains, why he's so good at school. What else could he have done other than read?~~

The next entry was written on parchment again.

~~September 3rd, 1973 

> Finally back at Hogwarts! Sirius visited me during the holidays. We started to practice Quidditch, since we might be chosen to play for our house this year! Peter was touring the continent with his parents. Must have been pretty boring, for he doesn't talk about it much. I heard nothing from Remus the whole time. He looks ill, even though new moon has just passed. It's so good to be here again!~~

On the page was a second entry.

~~ September 5th, 1973 

> I feel so sorry for Remus! I caught him alone in our dorm and asked him what's wrong, if he's ill. First, he didn't want to talk about it, but then he spilled it. He again spent the whole holiday inside. His parents don't want him to be outside and talk to neighbours or other children. They are afraid that somebody might notice his disease. Even though it is not infectious! But his parents say that as long as people don't know him, nobody will ask questions.
> 
> Remus is a person who often sits and watches the people around him, simply listening to them talking. He doesn't talk much, but when he says something, it's well reasoned. And he prefers to act, rather than discuss the matter. No wonder, if he's used to being alone! I can't imagine a world without friends! I swear here and now, that I will never ever let Remus down!
> 
> Since we are back at Hogwarts, Remus has been doubtful about us. As if we would abandon him, now that we haven't seen each other for two months. I just want to hug him and show him that he's no longer alone. But he wouldn't allow me to do that. He shies away from physical contact. So I have to be there for him in another way.~~

Harry pushed away the page and thought. Professor Lupin's parents had locked him up in the house, had kept him away from other people. That was something they had in common. The Dursleys didn't think highly of him getting in touch with other people. Of course he had gone to school, but Dudley's presence had prevented other kids from trying to befriend him. Harry's friendship with Ron and Hermione was the most precious thing he possessed. Slowly he got an idea of what his father and Sirius must have meant for Lupin. He rolled around to lie on his stomach and took the next page.

~~ December 12th, 1973 

> Hello diary, I admit it, I was too lazy to write. So, what happened? I have written only about Remus before, so I'll continue it, or this entry will take ages. Well. Peter finally knows about Remus' secret. Remus wasn't very fond about us wanting to tell him. But Peter is the only other person in our dorm and it would ease matters enormously if he knew, too. So we told him.
> 
> I wish we wouldn't have. Peter's reaction was....vehement. The only reason he didn't flee the room screaming was because Remus was standing between him and the door. Sirius grabbed the little one and explained the matters to him and he finally calmed down a bit. But he is still afraid of Remus.
> 
> The whole scene has taken it out of Remus. He doesn't show it but I heard him crying himself to sleep that night. I so much wanted to comfort him, but what was I to do? I read much about werewolves and I know how people react to them. But Peter knows Remus! He knows that he needn't be afraid of Remus! Everybody here knows that Remus is kindness personified! And nevertheless, Peter was scared stiff. What should I tell Remus? That I'm sorry? What kind of help is that? He would only become angry and tell me he doesn't want pity. I don't know how to handle this! And Sirius. Well, Sirius says that Peter will calm down. Great! That will help Remus a lot! All of this happened a few days ago, but I still feel the anger about Peter I felt then. Did he even think about how much his reaction would hurt Remus? I just want to grab him and shake him! Remus has been through so much, why did Peter have to add this? And it's my fault, because I wanted to tell him. I feel like shit! Remus, I'm so sorry!~~

Harry had to restrain himself not to crumple up this piece of parchment. Pettigrew! He hated the man. Not only did he betray his parents. Before that he had only thought about himself and betrayed his friend Remus. Harry tried to empathize with Lupin's situation then. Somebody whom he treated as a fried was suddenly scared stiff of him. For no reason at all. 

Harry felt something rise inside him that he recognized as rage. Rage about all the injustice Lupin had to suffer. But would he have known how to help him?

Harry thought a long time about it but had no idea. A wave of warm compassion flooded through him when he thought of Lupin. Pettigrew had betrayed him. James was dead. Sirius. Sirius was Lupin's friend, but he was still hiding. He had been cleared of his crimes, but he still wasn't able to stay long at one spot. He was restless, still on the run. And even Sirius himself didn't seem to know what it was that he was running from. So Lupin was still alone.

Harry promised himself to spend more time with the werewolf. Though he was living at the school, among so many people, he stayed to himself, shying away from the whispers and looks of the students; the word 'werewolf' echoing his every step. James Potter had tried to be there for Lupin. Now Harry wanted to follow his footsteps. Determinedly, he put the piece of parchment away and took the next one.

~~ May 23rd, 1974 

> Hello diary! Everything was so quiet here that I didn't see any cause to write. But yesterday something happened that made me think. We discussed werewolves in class. Remus took it very badly. Because we learned how to recognize and to kill a werewolf. What Professor Petrie told us was such rubbish that I wanted to jump up and scream. He dug out every cliché about werewolves he could find. Okay, the possibility of somebody using this information to find out that Remus is a werewolf is minimal, but if somebody learns what he is now, he's done for. Peter, who had calmed down to nearly normal, despite the fact he's staying at a distance from Remus and won't stay alone with him in one room, is shying away from him again as if one look from him would infect him with lycanthropy. 
> 
> And Remus. Petrie told us in detail, and I mean IN DETAIL, how to kill a werewolf most effectively. In Remus' shoes, I wouldn't have been able to stay in my seat as calmly as he did. But he was so pale I thought he would lose consciousness any moment. After class he ran out of the room as fast as he could. I followed him and found him hanging over a toilet bowl and retching his guts out. I helped him up into the dorm. Because I didn't know what to say, I simply hugged him. He stiffened as if he was afraid of me. Who knows when somebody hugged him the last time! But then he briefly hugged me back and thanked me. He said he was okay now. I should go down to class again and tell the other teachers that he didn't feel well.
> 
> He just sent me away! When I saw him again, dinner was over and he was fast asleep. But his pillow was wet with tears. I don't understand why didn't let me comfort him. Why doesn't he talk about his emotions? Why doesn't he accept my offer to help? I want to be there for him? Why doesn't he understand?~~

Before Harry could think about this last entry, the door of his dorm flew open and the other boys entered. Quickly, Harry put out his wand and pretended to be asleep. He heard Ron peeking through his bedcurtains. "He's sleeping!" Silently, the others changed and went to bed. Minutes later, Neville's snoring filled the air. Harry dove down under his bedcovers again, illuminated his wand and started to read again.

~~ June 24th, 1974 

> My father is dead. This morning Dumbledore called me up to his office and told me. Dad died in an accident they say. But it doesn't interest me. He's no longer there, that's all I know. Inside, everything's empty. There's nobody inside, my body is an empty shell. Why can't I mourn?~~

~~ June 27th, 1974 

> Thank you, Remus! When Sirius and the others heard about my Dad, they reacted differently. Sirius simply stood there and looked at me. It was obvious he didn't know what to do. Peter mumbled something and fled the room. Sirius then offered his condolences and followed him. It didn't reach me, then. I was like petrified. Cold and empty. 
> 
> But Remus. He didn't speak, just grabbed my arm and took me up to our dorm. There he left me. I stared out of the window for I don't know how long. Then I started to write the entry above, hoping to find my emotions. But it didn't work. When Remus came back he carried a huge pot of hot chocolate. He pulled me down on the bed and sat down beside me. Then he simply hugged me and held me tight. And that from Remus, the boy-who-wouldn't-be touched. He simply held me. Nothing else. I don't know when, but some time I started to cry. It became worse by the minute. 
> 
> I didn't cry because my father was _dead_, but because _I_ was alone. And that made me feel worse and I cried even more. And Remus... Remus simply was there. He didn't talk, he simply let me soak his shirt with my tears and slowly rocked me. When I calmed down a bit he pushed the cup of chocolate into my hands and made me drink it. Then he held me again and I must have fallen asleep. When I woke up again it was late at night. I could hear Sirius and Peter snoring in their beds, but Remus was still there. He, too, was asleep, curled up in his robes beside me, still holding me.
> 
> The next morning he still didn't say anything, got up, smiled at me and vanished in direction of the showers. We carried on as if nothing had happened and didn't talk about it. But I think Remus knows very well how much he helped me.~~

With shaking hands Harry folded the parchment and put it aside. He didn't know much about his grandparents besides the fact that they died before he was born and that they were pureblooded wizards. He unfolded the next page.

~~ September 4th, 1974 

> Our third year! I have Remus with me again! I wrote him many letters this holiday, but he never answered. When I asked him about it, he was shocked. He hadn't received any of the letters, he told me. But he finally understood one comment of his parents'. That he shouldn't bond to closely with any of the Hogwarts' students. A werewolf shouldn't have friends. It would be too dangerous.
> 
> Really, sometimes I could strangle Remus' parents! If anybody needs a friend, it's Remus! But it looks as if he believes what his parents told him. When I tried to hug him to tell him we're still friends, no matter what his parents say, he turned stiff in my arms again. I get the impression he's steering clear of me.~~

~~September 15th, 1974 

> Enough! Remus still steers clear of me! When I catch him alone I take him to task!~~

~~September 20th, 1974 

> Oh boy, if I only had known! For one and a half years now I knew that Remus is a werewolf, but I never really knew what that meant.
> 
> I took him to task as I wanted to. I wanted to know why Remus is so, I don't know, reserved and afraid when faced with other people. He's my friend, like Sirius is, but at the same time, completely different. He holds his distance. And now I finally know why.
> 
> He got really angry. I pushed him into a corner and he snarled at me. I have to admit that I was afraid of him. But I didn't let him go. And then, finally, he told me. About the nightmares in which he relives again and again how he had been bitten. He told me every detail, about his first transformation, about the terror. He told me about how his parents' behaviour towards him changed. How they disassociated themselves from him. He told me how it feels when people who know about you start to treat you like a monster. How you yourself start to believe them, start to think of yourself as being a monster. How you learn to keep others at a distance because you are a monster. How it feels to cage oneself up in a mental cage, too afraid to let anybody enter, too afraid to be hurt again.
> 
> And Remus told me how it feels to transform. How you witness everything that happens to you in slow motion, because the last thing that transforms is your mind. He told me everything about his fear that he would bite and infect somebody, or that he would kill somebody.
> 
> I then asked him why he comforted me when my father died. He told me that he did it because he knew how it felt to lose everything you love. Because he knew what being alone felt like. Because he knew how it felt if you search for comfort, but don't know, how to find it.
> 
> I offered him to be his comfort, then. He declined. He said that I was too precious to him to be that close to him. He's afraid he'll hurt me if he lets me be his friend. Because I _am_ his friend! He's afraid to lose his independence and become vulnerable. He's afraid to be dependent on _me_! I don't know what to think. I'm so proud that Remus thinks so highly of me, that he hurts himself to protect me from himself. But at the same time I'm angry, because he doesn't trust me, doesn't trust _himself_.~~

~~November 4th, 1974 

> We have found a solution. Sirius read (!) something about Animagi in an old book. If we could manage to transform into animals, we would be able to keep Remus company as a wolf. I'm not so sure if we should tell him, though. He would never permit us to do something as dangerous as becoming Animagi, and all because of him! No, I say we surprise him. If Sirius manages to hold his tongue, that is!~~

~~ June 10th, 1975 

> Sirius _has_ held his tongue. Until now, that is. It's getting harder for all of us every day. We told Peter after we found out where Remus spends the nights of the full moon. The passageway to the Shrieking Shack starts under a Whomping Willow. In one of the books about Animagi we found a ritual that was able to tell us in what kind of animal we'll be when we transform. We know that Sirius'll turn into some kind of dog, and I will turn into something even bigger, something like a stag. Why a stag?!? The book says that it has to do something with personality. What kind of personality is a stag?!? But Sirius has already started to call me 'Prongs'. 
> 
> But where was I? Ah, yes. Neither a stag nor a dog can touch the spot at the trunk of the Whomping Willow that will make it stop whomping. Well, Peter is, now, small. In size, in memory, and, well, in personality. So we tested him. Result: a rat. Perfect!
> 
> Why am I afraid that Sirius and the rest of us will not hold our tongues? Simple. Remus suspects something. That we are planning something. Something big. Without him. And now he sees his fear confirmed. The fear, that we don't want him anymore. He acts as if he hadn't noticed anything and everything is okay. But when he thinks we won't notice, he glances at us with that forlorn expression in his eyes. It rips me apart! And Sirius, too. If we don't come up with another idea, we'll have to let Remus in on our secret.~~

~~September 30th, 1975 

> Holidays are over. Again, I heard nothing from Remus. Here at Hogwarts he is still distrustful. I have told him that we are planning a surprise for him, but he doesn't trust us. Perhaps because he doesn't like surprises. He has no control over it and he needs control. Sometimes I think, Remus defines control.~~

~~October 10th, 1975 

> Okay, it's enough. I can't stand it any longer. I have to talk to Remus. He continues to withdraw from us. And that hurts. Not only him, for I can see that it hurts him that we won't let him in on our plan. I hurt, too. I will tell him. I have to. Today.~~

~~October 11th, 1075 

> He hates the plan. Doesn't surprise me. He freaked out. What we were thinking of affecting his life like that. As if we didn't know what danger a werewolf could be? They weren't dangerous for animals, that's right. But does that go for Animagi, too? Nobody knows. We are ready to risk it. But Remus isn't. I never saw him like that. He actually yelled at us! The normally so silent Remus. He slammed us, such that even Sirius didn't know what to say. Peter ran out of the room. It hadn't been his idea, he cried and then he was gone. I'm all mixed up. We only wanted to help him! But it looks like we did everything wrong. I say, let's call it quits. It was a mistake. But Sirius wants to go on, no matter what Remus says.~~

~~October 15th, 1975 

> It's getting worse every day. I don't know how long I'll be able to take that. Since we told Remus about the Animagi-project, he hasn't had one word with us. Sirius feels offended. He acts as if he's completely uninterested in what Remus does or doesn't do. "He isn't talking to me, so I'm not talking to him." But it hurts him, too. I have watched him watching Remus.
> 
> Peter is again afraid of Remus. He runs when he just sees him. As if Remus would hurt him, if he gets too close. And I.... Again, I don't know what to do. I tried to talk to Remus, but he simply turns around and walks away. And I heard him crying himself to sleep last night.
> 
> Remus, please, let me help you! But that's not the only thing that has happened. Snape, this Slytherin boy, has noticed that we don't talk to each other. I have seen him talking to Remus quite often over the last few days. Snape is a clever one, sly, like most of the Slyths. If Remus lets him stay near him for too long, he'll surely find out that Remus's a werewolf. If he doesn't know it already. But no, he would have spread the word.
> 
> But he's dangerous. I know Remus well enough to know that he doesn't trust another easily. But, on the other hand, I know Snape well enough to know he could be able to ensnare Remus. Please, be careful, my friend!~~

~~October 20th, 1975 

> No change in the current situation. Peter fails one test after the other because there's no Remus to help him with his lessons. Sirius is still sulking, but he noticed Snape hanging around with Remus. And I'm sure, he hates it. And he's cooking up a plan. But he denies it. Remus still refuses to talk to anyone of us. Other Gryffindors have noticed our quarrel as well. Lily Evans, one of our fellow Gryffindors has started to snoop around, trying to figure out the story.
> 
> Remus? I miss you!~~

~~November 2nd, 1975 

> Sirius is a complete dunderhead! An idiot! He must have lost his mind! He has done something that will most likely get him expelled from Hogwarts! He told Snape that Remus would be waiting for him in the Shrieking Shack. And that he had to tell him something important. The secret tunnel would start underneath the Whomping Willow. Of course, Snape went to search for Remus. On the night of the full moon! Thank God for Sirius' big mouth or I'd've never been there in time to save Snape's life.
> 
> Great, Sirius, simply great! Sometimes I think that boy has won his mind at the lotteries! What would have happened, if Remus had attacked Snape? Snape would be dead. Remus would have killed him, and Sirius would be a murderer. And as well as I know Remus, he would take the whole blame and do God-knows-what to pay for it. In this case, I would even think him capable of suicide.
> 
> Sirius! How could you? 
> 
> Sirius has entered the room, he's been allowed to stay at Hogwarts. But only because Dumbledore would have to spill Remus' secret otherwise. Oh Sirius, I think now we've lost Remus forever!~~

~~November 4th, 1975 

> Remus is pissed. Really pissed. He ignores Sirius completely now. But he's down, too. Now that Snape is not talking to him, too, he's breaking down. No matter what he says, I have to talk to him.~~

~~November 5th, 1975 

> As you see, diary, I'm still alive. Remus was so down that it didn't interest him if we had a quarrel or not. As long he had somebody to talk to. His voice was emotionless when he started to talk. But what he had to say shocked me to the core.
> 
> What Sirius had done had shaken him deeply. He saw Sirius' prank as directed against _him_. As if Sirius had tried to kill two birds with one stone. To get rid of the slimy Snape and get the werewolf to take the blame for it. If Sirius' prank had succeeded, Remus would have been taken to Azkaban for life, if not been killed immediately. Remus had thought that we would try to get rid of him at some time or another, but he was shocked that we would try it in this way.
> 
> It took me some seconds until I grasped the meaning behind all this. Remus believed the prank was a trick to get him killed without being accused for it. And then I flipped out. I don't know how else to put it. I yelled at him and slapped him. I reproached him and shook him. Some time later I broke down and simply cried. And Remus finally got it. Finally. That I _am_ his _friend_. That he can't stop me from being that by ignoring me. And then he let go of his feelings.
> 
> We talked the whole night long after crying our hearts out. Remus then told me that he rather likes the idea of us keeping him company as aminals. But he never thought that anybody would do something like that for _him_, the _monster_! Somebody needs to tell him that he's no monster once and for all!
> 
> I'm so happy he's my friend again! It's almost queer. I feel so lightheaded that I could bounce through the corridors!~~

~~February 4th, 1976 

> Sirius and Remus are talking to each other again. Their relationship is still slightly cooled, but nevertheless.... Sirius knows that he's made a mistake, but he's too stubborn to talk to Remus about it. He hides behind his big mouth and doesn't get it, that he's too stubborn for his and Remus' good.
> 
> Snape has kept his mouth shut. I don't know what Dumbledore told him, but it worked. But whatever feelings he had for Remus before, it's changed into pure hatred now. Had Snape been insufferable enough before this, now he's plain nasty. He gets Remus down wherever he can. And Remus doesn't take it easy. He's told me, that Snape is quite okay if you know him better. And he hasn't given up the hope that they'll become friends again. I think that Remus is wrong. The Snapes are an old wizarding family. I'm sure that the old and misguided prejudices about werewolves are buried deep inside his thoughts. He's Slytherin and even more distrustful than Remus. He'll think that Remus has led him into this trap. And he'll never forgive him. If he could only know how wrong he is!
> 
> Our efforts to become Animagi are making progress. Now that Remus is involved, everything is much easier. Time and again it's astounding how much this boy knows. And if he doesn't know something, he's got the intuition to search where the info is to be found. For example he has found some ingredients for a potion we thought to be plants in a book about minerals. I would never have searched there!
> 
> Since Remus and I have talked, his behaviour towards me has changed a lot. He has stopped trying to avoid being touched by me. In the past he winced if I only tapped him on the shoulder, today he grabs my elbow to make a point. The other day he fell asleep next to me on the couch in the common room. He slumped to the side until his head was resting on my shoulder. He actually started to cuddle! There were so many thoughts rushing through my head that I ignored Sirius' comments about the situation. Remus trusts me!, I thought again and again. Finally he trusts me. When he woke up, he blushed, but he continued to lean on me. I'm so glad he's back!~~

Harry sat up and rubbed his hurting elbows. He could no longer bear to lie on his stomach, it was too uncomfortable. He rolled to his side and though about what he'd read. No wonder Snape hated Remus so much. If he still thought it to be an attempt to murder him and thought that James had only rescued him because he got cold feet..... Surely he would be angry at Remus, Sirius and his dad. And because he, Harry, looked so much like his father, the old feelings would rise again, whenever Snape saw him. In addition, the fact that Harry and his parents were celebrated as heroes had to add fuel to the flames. Snape's only satisfaction must have been that Sirius had been imprisoned in Azkaban. Now that he had been cleared, Snape's hatred must have grown still deeper.

Remus had tried to befriend Snape back then. And, he was still trying. Harry had often wondered why Remus was so lenient and friendly towards the Potions Master, despite the latter hating him with every fibre of his being. Now he began to understand why.

Harry picked up the next page and started to read again.

~~April 29th, 1976 

> It's past midnight, but I have to write this down before I forget it. I just dreamt something very strange.
> 
> Remus' body is covered with scars where the wolf bit him. I knew about these scars before, but I first saw them yesterday. I never noticed before that Remus never changes his clothes or showers when someone else is around. But yesterday he overslept and, after hesitating shortly, went to the showers with me. Normally he's the first to rise, long before anyone of us is able to open his eyes and wake up completely. Yesterday morning, I saw those scars for the first time, and they are really ugly.
> 
> And, just now I dreamt of Remus standing before me. I touched every scar and they vanished. Every single one but the one of the original bite. I tried again and again, but it didn't work. Finally Remus caught my hands and held me. He felt so warm and comforting, so.... present! Then I woke up. Now I'm so restless I can't go to sleep again. I want to see Remus' scars vanish. And I want him to hold me. What do I make out of this dream?~~

~~June 2nd, 1976 

> The dream has come again and again. And it becomes clearer. Despite the fact that I saw Remus only the one time, I know the map of his scars in every detail. And I have the feeling that the dream is somehow incomplete. I wake up when Remus holds me, but there's more to it, I'm sure!
> 
> If the finals weren't so near and we didn't have to learn so much, we would try the transformation into Animagi now. However, the way things are going, it looks as if we have to postpone the date to the next term. I can't wait for it! If I can't heal Remus' bodily scars, I can soon help heal his mental ones!~~

~~July 15th, 1976 

> Holidays. And, again, no news from Remus. I miss him. Sirius writes almost every day and even Peter has sent me a card.
> 
> I still dream of Remus. And last night I finally dreamt more. But I don't know what I should think of it. Remus held me, as he always did. But then he looked at me and kissed me. Ever so slightly on the mouth. And then I woke up. Has that any meaning? And if so, what could it possibly be?~~

Harry stared at the parchment in his hand. He could guess where this would lead. And too, why Remus had warned him about the diary. It looked like his father was falling in love with his friend. Was that the reason that Remus was afraid? Did he think that he, Harry, would find this repulsive? That this diary would destroy his image of his father?

Harry thought about it. Did he find the idea of his father loving a boy repulsive? Okay, he would need time to get used to the thought. And of course this new development confused the image he had always had of his father. But, on the other hand, he thought highly of his father for worrying this much about Remus. 

Harry didn't know the werewolf too well, but he liked him. He had witnessed how the other students had reacted to the news of their teacher being a werewolf. He had watched their reaction to the news that he would be teaching here again. He had witnessed how the First years had reacted to him. He had seen the sadness and hurt in Lupin's face as he saw the younger students shy away from him. When they showed him that they feared him.

His father was right. Lupin needed a friend. Somebody who loved him. Now, perhaps even more than then. Curious about how this would turn out, Harry read on.

~~July 17th, 1976 

> This is what I call coincidence. Lily Evans and her family are spending their holidays down in the village. I met them on a hike. Lily is so glad she met me, as her days would be very frustrating and boring otherwise, she said. Having met her sister, I can imagine that very well! She turned up her nose at me as if I were the very worst scum. It would seem that she doesn't like witches and wizards very much. 
> 
> Lily has convinced her parents that she can stay with me and my mother. Looks like her parents are glad to not have two eternally fighting sisters over their holidays! And I'm glad about some company, too. For a girl, Lily is really okay.
> 
> Still no news from Remus.~~

~~September 18th 1976 

> I know this went pretty fast, but Lily and I have a date this weekend! Sirius rolls his eyes whenever he sees us. Remus seems to be happy with us. But nevertheless I feel guilty. I still dream about him. And about this kiss. But whenever I'm with Lily, the memory of the dream vanishes. Only when I'm lying alone in my bed at night and have the time to think (if I can think with Sirius and Peter having a snoring-contest), I think about Remus. I swore to be there for _him_. But Lily takes so much of my time that have the feeling that I neglect him.
> 
> However, that will be over soon! Next week we'll start the first try. James Potter, Animagus! I like the sound of that!~~

~~October 3rd, 1976 

> It worked! We really made it! Even Peter transformed. We are Animagi! Remus is beyond words. He was near tears when we stood in front of him as a stag, a dog and a rat. It's funny, being a stag. These antlers are rather heavy and to control four legs is not nearly as easy as I thought it to be! But we've made it!
> 
> As a stag I will be strong enough to cope with a werewolf if I have to keep him in check. Sirius as a dog will have his fun with Remus. I can see him planning how he can use his new body to play pranks.
> 
> Full moon is in two weeks. Then we'll know if a werewolf sees Animagi as humans or not.~~

~~October 18th, 1976 

> Last night we walked down to Hogsmeade and waited outside the Shrieking Shack for Remus to transform. We could hear him howling inside his prison. No wonder that the people think of the Shack as being jinxed. The wolf could smell us humans through the nailed windows and scratched at the planks. When we transformed, he calmed down. Looks as if it works! Sirius wanted to race to the Whomping Willow and visit Remus right there and then, but I thought we should wait and hear what he has to say about it. 
> 
> At the moment he's still at the hospital wing, as he is every morning after the full moon. He doesn't want us to visit him there. He looks so fragile and pale and tired and _old_ then and he hates it. He hates not to be able to control his body. He doesn't want us to see him like that. He doesn't want pity. I hope he will feel better once we are there to keep him company at the full moon.~~

~~October 18th, 1976, afternoon 

> Remus is back. He looks tired, but he's beaming. He says that the wolf didn't recognize us as humans! That it had worked! He was near tears when he told us. I can't imagine what this news has to mean for him. He hugged me in such joy. It's embarrassing, but it felt so much like my dreams that I waited for him to kiss me. When I noticed that this was real, I must have stiffened, because Remus suddenly let go of me and threw me a funny glance. What if he suspects something? God, that would be embarrassing.~~

Harry's arm became limp. He rolled back to his stomach and propped himself up on his elbows. He knew it was well past midnight by now, but he couldn't stop reading.

~~December 29th, 1976 

> Slowly I become worried. These dreams about Remus take frightening shapes lately. I'm no longer using my hands to make his scars vanish, I kiss them away. And what comes after the kiss..... It's embarrassing to write it down, but.... we make love. It's incredible and feels so real! And so good! But I'm with Lily! We have kissed and have, uhm, done something more, too. But then why am I dreaming of Remus and not of her?~~

~~March 27th, 1977 

> Another full moon over. I see Remus with different eyes now. To see him as the wolf is both scary and fascinating at the same time. In his human form, I encounter again and again gestures or movements he has copied from his wolf-being. I don't think he knows it. The lurking when Sirius is planning something. Or how he curls up to sleep, either in a chair in the common room, or under his covers. The way he bares his teeth when somebody or something scares him. Or the elegant prowl in his walk. Like a beast of prey. 
> 
> Remus looks so fragile and vulnerable that one hardly notices these strengths. But they are the fascinating thing about him, somehow anachronistic or irritating. Unconsciously, one notices that there is more behind Remus' façade, something wild and deep. I catch myself watching Remus more and more often.
> 
> Remus the wolf is another story. I can't call him anything else but beautiful. Moony, which is what we called the werewolf, is quite large for a wolf. Very different from what one would expect from the quite small Remus. He has light brown fur, much like Remus' human hair, and it's so thick that it sticks out from his neck like a collar. I wish I could touch him with my human hands and find out if it is as soft as it looks.
> 
> Moony is very happy to see us when we visit him. Remus won't have us near when he transforms. Moony plays with Sirius, who lately insists on being called 'Padfoot'. Peter he calls 'Wormtail'. That has caused some funny looks from the female Gryffindors! If they only knew! Moony respects my antlers a lot. He ignores Peter. Thank God, I might add, because I read somewhere that wolves eat rats. And I pray that Peter will never find out about that!
> 
> Sirius has made a sketch of Moony from his memory and showed it to Remus. Remus has no idea how he looks like as a wolf, and Sirius' drawing is quite good. He has caught exactly what makes Moony Moony. Remus is very quiet now. As I write this he's sitting on his bed and looking at the drawing. I wish I knew what he's thinking right now.~~

~~May 5th, 1977 

> A wonder has happened! Peter has a girlfriend! A Hufflepuff named Rita. Sirius is besieged by women. Even some of the Seventh years dream of him! I'm worried when I see him alone somewhere. Lily and I, well, we have taken the last step. I love her. We are dating not even a year now, but I can't imagine a life without her. 
> 
> And Remus? Well.....Remus is still single. Lily says there are rumours among the female Gryffindors that he isn't interested in girls. It's not as if he sends a girl packing if she's interested in him. He just doesn't let her come that near to him. He talks to her. He helps her and is polite and nice, but he just doesn't react on any moves she might make. Lily reports about many a broken heart because of that.
> 
> I wonder if there's something in that rumour? I don't dare ask him. I am not afraid that he will be mad at me or call me nuts because of it. I am afraid of my dreams. If Remus really _is_ interested in men, my dream comes too close. I don't think I could bear that.~~

~~June 20th, 1977 

> Lily knows. Remus has told her spontaneously what's wrong with him, what he is. I wasn't with them, none of us were. Remus simply told us at breakfast that Lily knows about his 'disease'. I have to say that my chin figuratively hit the ground.
> 
> Lily took it very calmly. I don't know if it is because she's muggle-born and didn't grow up with the horror stories about werewolves or because she really likes Remus. She doesn't treat him any different than before. Well, other than that she started to mother him. This afternoon she slapped Snape hard because he tried to provoke Remus. 
> 
> I can see Remus and Lily walking around the lake (I'm sitting at the window of the common room) and discussing something. Remus is waving his arms wildly. I glad Lily is now part of this. That Remus has another person who accepts him as he is.~~

~~June 29th 1977 

> Tomorrow we start our holidays. From tomorrow on, I won't see Remus for two long months. Somehow I'm already missing him.
> 
> Lily told me this morning what's wrong with Remus and the women. When Sirius said goodbye to his harem this morning, Remus nearly fled the room. Lily noticed my questioning look and took me for a walk.
> 
> Remus isn't gay. That much is clear. But he stays away from women because he's afraid to fall in love. Because he's afraid of a relationship and what would happen then. Lycanthropy is hereditary. Remus would never risk having sex with a woman. Therefore, he won't let any girl come near him. That shocked me to the core. As if Remus' life wasn't hard enough already! How horrible must it be to be afraid of love? I know that Remus craves to be loved. And now this! 
> 
> What shocked me nearly as much was that he has talked to Lily about that. Not to me. Lily explained that he feels safe with her. She's mine. She's not in danger. He's not in danger. He can allow her to love him and to understand him, because she's mine. Because she already loves me. Will he accept that I love him, too? If only there weren't these damned holidays! There is no time to talk about all this! Tomorrow we'll enter the Hogwarts Express and then he'll be gone!~~

~~September 1st, 1977 

> Finally Remus is back. Lily spent her holidays with me. Sirius was on tour with his dad. And Remus was alone at home, as always. If there would only be a way to get him out of there! But nevertheless..... We are together again. That's all that counts.~~

~~November 5th, 1977 

> Something terrible happened. We were outside with Moony. I don't know who was out there besides us that night, but Moony smelled somebody. He just ran away. We tried to stop him, but we only succeeded after I hurt him with my antlers. And I hurt him rather badly. When the sun rose, I instantly ran up to the hospital wing. 
> 
> Remus has a deep cut at his side where I hit him. Madame Pomfrey was very puzzled about how he got that injury. But Remus didn't say anything, of course not. I dream about making Remus' scars vanish and now I add one to his collection!
> 
> Remus has tried to comfort me. Who knows what would have happened if I hadn't stopped him. He's right, but I feel miserable about it. I'm so sorry!~~

~~June 11, 1978 

> Now I'm all alone. My mother died a few weeks ago. She had a cold and it became pneumonia. The healers weren't able to help her. I think she was glad to go at last. She missed my dad so much! Lily and Remus have helped me in my coping. Remus is simply present. And Lily is my support. She's my family now.
> 
> There's something else. Remus again held me like he did last time, when my father died. But this time I took advantage of it. I feel ashamed of it, but I long for his nearness. When all the others are asleep, I crawl over into his bed so he can hold me. He thinks that I only need his comfort because I'm all alone now, but that's not true. I need him. His nearness, his warmth. His hands that hold me tight. I need the sensation of his breath on my skin. My body betrays me, but so far I have managed to hide my erection from him. It's dangerous, but I feel like an addict. I love Lily, but I love Remus, too. Is that wrong?~~

~~September 10th, 1978 

> Our last year in Hogwarts. I'm here again. I spent the holidays at Sirius'. Lily wanted to invite me to her family, but it didn't work. For Remus, these were the last days with his family. He told us that he won't go back to his parents. What he'll be doing after graduation next summer he doesn't know yet, but he thinks there will be something for him. 
> 
> I have him near me now. But at the same time, I miss him. I can't go back to sleep in his bed now. And I still am not able to tell him what I feel. I know exactly how he will react. He would say that he would never stand between me and Lily. He would reject me. No matter how much my love would mean to him. If it would mean something to him at all. It would not work. And Lily. I think she would understand. She would accept it. Because she loves Remus, too. She would do everything to make him happy, even if that would mean to share me with him. 
> 
> But Remus would never allow that. No, he mustn't know anything about my feelings. He would blame himself that I feel this way. He would see himself as a rival for Lily and steer clear of me. No, he must never know about this!~~

~~November 11th, 1978 

> Lily and I are engaged! In summer, shortly after our graduation we'll marry! I'm the happiest man alive! We are planning so many things now. Much too soon, I know, but better now than when it is too late. We will marry!!!~~

~~June 30th, 1979 

> That's it. Our time in Howarts is over. Lily and I will marry July 15th. Sirius and Remus will rent a small flat. Sirius wants to become an auror. Remus has told us that he will work for the Ministry with Dumbledore as his superior! It's all about research assignments and stuff like that. I'm so glad Remus has Albus Dumbledore to stand behind him! 
> 
> I will work for the Ministry as well. As best of our year, the Minister has personally offered me to have a look at all the Ministry's sectors and decide then where I want to work. Lily is going to help me.
> 
> I still dream of Remus...~~

~~July 17th, 1979 

> James and Lily Potter! Lily and I are married! Finally! We're one! We moved to Godric's Hollow, the old house of my ancestors. It's chaotic right now, but I'm so happy that I would be satisfied to have a tent in a desert if I only have Lily with me.
> 
> There had been some trouble with the marriage, though. Lily suggested Remus act as best man, but Remus, as well as Dumbledore told us, that a werewolf isn't authorized to give evidence of any kind, be it as best man, in court, or anything else that is involved with the legal system. 
> 
> There's no justice in the world! If I manage to work at the juristic branch of the Ministry I'll do away with that stuff, that I promise you, Remus! But Remus felt very honored that we have thought of him. Sirius is now our best man.~~

~~November 15th, 1979 

> Lily is pregnant! We're pretty sure it happened on Halloween. I'm going to be a dad! I, James Potter, am becoming a father! I don't believe it!~~

~~November 20th, 1979 

> I hate the juristic branch of the Ministry! Since Remus couldn't become our best man, we wanted him to become Godfather to our child. No, said the Ministry. It would be impossible to give our child to a werewolf, should something happen to us! And Remus agrees to that! He and Sirius have trouble enough keeping Moony somewhere safe during the full moon. Damn, isn't there any way we can help Remus?
> 
> However, we have done one thing. We are allowing Remus the honor of naming our child. That's a thing nobody can deny him. He says that the child should be named after my father. Harry or Harriet. Lily is enthusiastic about that. Harry Potter. Doesn't sound bad, doesn't it?~~

Harry gulped. So Remus was the one who gave him his name. He was angry at the Ministry of Magic. If there hadn't been that stupid law, he would have grown up with Remus. He pictured how his life would have been then. No Uncle Vernon. No Aunt Petunia. And, above all, no Dudley! And that bit about the full moon. Ridiculous. There were such things as babysitters, weren't there?

He picked up the last piece of parchment and read.

~~August 1st, 1980 

> Harry's here! I am a father! Lily has given birth to him here at Godric's Hollow. And she insisted that I was present. Boy, if men were made to give birth to babies, our species would no longer exist! All that blood! Lily nearly crushed my hand. Whoever says that women are the weaker sex has never been present at a birth! But everything went well and the midwife said it had been rather easy, considering that it was a first-born child. She has room to talk!
> 
> Sirius is Godfather and he really gets worked up about it. I wouldn't wonder if he has practiced the sentence "This is Harry, my Godson" in front of the mirror a hundred times.
> 
> Remus doesn't make such a big fuss about it. Rather, he beams with an inner light. He is happy with us and helps us wherever he can. Sirius has reported that he has found some books about childcare stashed between Remus' books about Dark Creatures.
> 
> Speaking about Dark Creatures, there seems to have been a quarrel between Sirius and Remus. There have been rumours about Voldemort being in England and threatening some important members of the Ministry of Magic. Sirius thinks we are in danger, too. As if I were an important member of the Ministry! Okay, I've risen up the ladder there, but I'm not so important. I fight Voldemort, but who doesn't? Despite his followers, of course.
> 
> Sirius insists on us being in danger, that there is a traitor running loose. Remus is studying the Dark Arts intensively at Dumbledore's orders, for sure, so that he is prepared for whatever Voldemort might throw at us. But it looks like Sirius suspects Remus to be the traitor. I have never heard something as absurd as that. Remus would never do something that would endanger Harry, Lily or me. Sirius sees spectres.~~

Harry held this piece of parchment in his hand for long minutes. Sirius hadn't seen spectres. He had only suspected the wrong person. Tired, but too upset about what he'd read to fall asleep, Harry packed the pages back into their envelope. His thoughts ran in circles through his mind. One question followed the other. And the diary had triggered a series of emotions inside him, for which he had not yet found a name.

The read-through night and his whirling thoughts brought Harry 10 points from Gryffindor the next day. Snape seemed to be in an even fouler mood then usual and even McGonagall reprimanded him, because his thoughts were miles away from her lesson.

Only later that the evening, after dinner, did Harry find the opportunity to retrieve the envelope, which he had hidden under his Invisibility Cloak. With rapid steps he walked to Professor Lupin's quarters.

Lupin opened the door, no sooner than Harry had knocked. "I waited for you, Harry, come in." With a rather insecure smile, he waved Harry to enter. Harry stepped into the room and stopped, rather unsure what to do next, in the middle of the office.

"I read them, Remus", he said haltingly and pointed at the envelope in his hand. Lupin's head jerked up and he studied Harry searchingly. "Er, I mean, Professor Lupin, sir", Harry corrected himself and blushed. 

Lupin smiled at him. "It's okay, Harry, you can call me Remus, if you want to. You have a lot of questions now, right?" Harry nodded. He started to speak, but Lupin lifted his hand and pointed to the bookshelves. "Let's go to the next room. I think this will take some time. It's more comfortable there."

Harry nodded again and followed his teacher. As he walked behind him, he noticed what his father had wrote in his diary. Lupin moved with a grace and elegance unlikely anyone else Harry had ever known. A wave of affection ran through him. In Lupin's bedroom, a low fire crackled inside the fireplace. The patchworked bedspread lay pushed together on the sofa, as if its owner had been sitting there covered up with it, reading a book or something like that. Lupin sat down and wrapped the bedspread around himself as if he felt cold.

Harry rearranged the pillows and sat down next to Lupin. An uneasy silence began to fill the room. Then both began to peak at the same time. "So you have read it...." "What I wanted to know...."

Lupin laughed somehow forcedly and waved at Harry. "Ask."

Harry noticed that Lupin wasn't looking at him. He though for a moment. The he cleared his throat and pointed at the envelope that was lying on the table before him. "Did you know about it?"

"That your father wrote a diary? And about me, too? Yes. But I didn't know what he wrote about. I had no idea about his feelings for me."

"Then this envelope must have been quite a surprise for you, right?" Harry asked tentatively.

Lupin snorted. "You can say that! I don't know how often I read those pages until I got what James really felt."

Harry didn't look at Lupin. "And, did you.... have you.... how did you react?"

"I was mad."

Harry winced. He hadn't expected that. Hadn't Lupin told him that the diary was precious to him?

Lupin went on. "I was mad that I had been so blind. I never noticed what your father felt for me. I was so glad he was my friend that I never even dreamt that there could be even more than that. I...." He stopped and bowed his head. With a soft voice he continued. "I never thought it possible that somebody could feel something like that for _me_."

Harry stared at him incredulously. "Did you return his feelings?"

"No. No, Harry, I didn't love your father. Not like he loved me. I was too busy trying to protect myself from being hurt. Your father knew me very well. I was too afraid of being hurt and left alone to allow somebody to be that near to me. I don't think that I was able to love somebody then. Or to allow somebody to love me."

Harry was shocked. After all he had read in his father's diary, he could imagine the hell Remus must have been walking through. Softly, he touched Lupin's hand. Lupin winced and stared at Harry's fingers. But he didn't pull his hand away. Harry didn't look at him when he asked on. "What would you have done, had you known about it?"

Lupin stared into the dancing flames of the fire. "I have asked myself that question many times, Harry. Back then, I think I would have reacted as James expected me to do."

"Back then. And now?"

"Now I think that I made a huge mistake then. I feel as if I have ignored a wonderful chance." Lupin looked up and Harry noticed that his eyes were suspiciously shiny. "I was loved by a wonderful person and was too blind to notice. And even if I had noticed, if James would have told me, I would have thrown the chance away." He slumped down into the couch. "And there is no second chance."

"Perhaps there is." Harry didn't know where those words came from, but now that he had spoken them, his thoughts suddenly cleared. What his father had written about Remus was exactly what he felt. Okay, he hadn't dreamt about Remus like that, but the affection, the urge to be there for him were the same feelings his father had written about.

Lupin slowly straightened up. Insecurely, he stared at Harry. "What do you mean?" he asked with a shaky voice.

Harry acted without thinking. He grabbed Lupin's hand and pulled him towards himself. Then he bent forward and kissed the older man softly on the lips.

Lupin continued to stare at him and started to shake. He opened and closed his moth, not knowing what to say.

Harry looked at him. "I feel the same way as he did, Remus. It's only starting, but I can feel that it's there." When Lupin still didn't speak, Harry smiled at him. "I think I've fallen in love with you, Remus Lupin."

Lupin broke down. Harry caught him and held him, as Lupin had held his father. Harry could feel the walls Lupin had erected around his emotions begin to crumble and finally break apart. Harry didn't know how long they sat there like this until Lupin slowly stopped shaking and his breathing became more even.

Slowly, Lupin let go of Harry and looked at him for a long time. "You really.... want to be my second chance, Harry?"

Harry only nodded. "I am not as far as my father was, but I want to be there for you, Remus. And, when the time comes...."

"We'll take the time we need, Harry." Lupin leaned forward to kiss Harry, but hesitated at the last moment. Harry closed the gap and kissed him tenderly. Then a thought occurred to him. "But, Remus, I am not my father! Do you, I mean, are you feeling… anything… for me…?"

Lupin laughed. "Oh Harry! I have loved you since you were born! When your parents died and Sirius went to Azkaban, I tried everything to convince Albus and the Ministry to give you to me. As you know, I had no success. The time I taught here was the best time of my life. Not the least being that I could be near you. I have to say that I hoped to spent more time with you after you have read the diary. But that you feel the same way your father did, I never expected. If my, well, more fatherly love for you will turn into something else, only time will tell."

Lupin hugged Harry tightly. "I'm so glad you're here, Harry."

Finis

   [1]: http://homepages.compuserve.de/HSKAW675/index.htm



	2. The Other Side

Foxfeather,

Hi folks!

Some of you thought that Remus acted a bit, well, un-Remus-like in the last part of my story "Second Chances". So I wrote a short companion piece to it that shows Remus' POV on the events. And why he acted as he did. 

Foxfeather

Title: Second Chances: The Other Side (1/1)

Author: Foxfeather

Email: alwest@cityweb.de

Archive: [F4 - FoxFeather's FanFiction][1]. That's [http://homepages.compuserve.de/HSKAW675/index.htm][1] for not-html-mail-readers

Elsewhere: yes, but please tell me where!

Rating: PG - PG13

Pairing: James Potter / Remus Lupin, Harry Potter / Remus Lupin

Spoilers: Book 3: Prisoner of Azkaban. But tell me, which story about Remus Lupin wouldn't have spoilers for this one ;-)?

Warnings: None. Except that this is slash, folks!

Notes: For all who think Student/Teacher relationships to be *urgh*, and didn't read "Second Chances" because of that: This part explains why this story is _not_ a teacher/student story!!!

And I want to say "Thank you" to Sekhmet, my beta for the quick work! I was really surprised! The fans will thank you for it :-)

Summary: Remus' Point of View on the events described in my story "Second Chances".

~~indicates a jump forward in time

Second Chances: The Other Side (1/1)

Damn, Remus, how could you do that? He has the diary. And he's going to read it. And then? How will he react? I can't allow him to read the diary. Now, Remus, follow him, get the envelope back. Tell him you changed your mind.

~~

Too late, he's gone. Damn! What now? What's written in that diary will change his view on James entirely. How could I allow that? That was a pretty stupid idea, dear Remus. Really, what where you thinking?

Stop panicking, Remus. Drink your tea and calm down. Harry is seventeen. He's seen so much already. He's dealt with so much. He'll deal with his father being in love with his friend. I hope. Oh, boy, Remus, next time use your brain first! You're not Sirius!

Sirius. What would you have done in my shoes? Would you have given the diary to Harry? It shows the boy how his father really was. The inner James.

Remus, that leads to nothing. You're not Sirius. And it was _you_ who gave the diary to Harry. Now you have to deal with the consequences. But what will those consequences be?

You could hurt Harry deeply with your action. His father was... what? Gay? Bi? How will Harry cope with that? *Is* he able to cope with that? Don't forget, Petunia raised him. Who knows how much he's learned from her? But no. He's James' son. He must have inherited his understanding. And Lily's friendliness. He's there for others, he'll understand James. Or will he?

And what about me? Will he see me with different eyes? He likes me, that much is sure. He wouldn't have asked me to stay, back then, when Sirius reappeared. Harry never showed fear of me. He was not afraid of the werewolf. Not like most of the other students who start to shake if I become a little louder in class. Harry is different.

He doesn't treat me like a teacher, I think he sees me as some kind of friend. As an uncle perhaps. Not as close as Sirius, but closer than the other adults. As a part of the family. Oh, Harry, if I only managed to adopt you after your parents died. So much would have been different, then. But different how? For the better or worse? Raised by a werewolf. My flaw would have stained you, too. But you would have grown up with somebody who loves you. You would have had a family. _I_ would have had a family. Neither of us had to be alone.

How will he see me now? Will the diary become like a wall between us? Is he going to blame me that his father is not the man he thought him to be? Will we both be alone again now? Please, no! I'm so glad to be here with you. In Hogwarts. At the place where both of us were no longer alone. If Harry doesn't want to see me after this.... then what? Will I be alone here in Hogwarts, too?

Looks like you totally bungled it again, Remus. First you are too blind to see the chance of no longer being alone. And now that you have found _some_ kind of family, you throw it away. Damn! I have to get this envelope back!

~~

"Oh, hello Remus! Oh, sorry, I have to say 'Professor Lupin', now, don't I? But nevertheless: password?"

The fat lady hasn't changed one bit. Should I really go in there? What shall I tell Harry?

~~

The dorm is empty. Of course, he's in class now. And now? Well, perhaps it's better like this. What would I have told him? 'Sorry, Harry, I changed my mind. I think it's better if you don't know your father better?' With that, I would lose Harry's trust for sure. Professor Lupin doesn't want me to know more about my parents and me. He doesn't trust me to deal with that knowledge. He thinks I'm a child. No, Remus, perhaps it's better if he keeps the diary. Why didn't I hold my tongue and tell him it was merely some unimportant papers inside the envelope? Everything would be okay, then.

And if he reads the diary... perhaps he'll understand. Perhaps if he knows James and me better.... perhaps he sees another lonely soul in me. Perhaps we'll become real friends?

Oh, come on, Remus. Stop dreaming. You've lost your chance. There will be no second one.

~~

At dinner Harry looked so nervous. I don't think he's read the diary yet. That would have been my chance to take the envelope back. I didn't take it. Now fate will take its way. Harry will read the diary, that much is sure. And then.... Who knows? Shall I dare to hope? And then be disappointed? Or shall I put up with having made a mistake and pay for it? If I only knew Harry better! If I could appraise how he will react! How much does he resemble James?

Stop musing, Remus, tomorrow you'll know.

~~

I can't sleep. Remus, stop thinking about Harry! Nothing will come out of it! Get that into your mind! But, okay, if you insist on it. What could he read that would make him dislike you?

I read that diary often enough to know it by heart.

I hurt James. I mistrusted him. I thought only about myself. If I hurt others with my behaviour, others who only wanted to help me it didn't matter, as long as I wouldn't be hurt. Just don't let anybody come close. Don't show your emotions, your loneliness. Don't worry about someone, he might not be worth it. Don't trust anybody. I trusted Peter and was rewarded with fear. I trusted James and Sirius to tell my secret to Peter and was hurt again.

Don't let somebody worry about you, too. Be independent. Nurse your loneliness.

James saw through me. Somehow he knew how I looked like inside. He managed to lure me out of my shell; to break through the wall I had built up around me. He managed to make me trust him. He made me care for him. So that I could be there for him as he needed me. When his parents died. But nevertheless, the old mistrust surfaced again and again. Built up the wall again. Hurt James again. _I_ hurt James again. I steered clear of him. But despite all the pain I caused him, despite all the rejection, he was there for me. He took the danger to become an Animagus for me. And for that, I punished him. Instead of being thankful for his friendship. Back then I was too blind to see the deep friendship James felt for me. I still don't get why he did all that for me.

There. I do it again. I degrade him and his actions. I keep him at a distance. Looks like I haven't changed much since.

Then, one day, I got it. I finally understood that I couldn't get James to _not_ worry about me, no matter how badly I treated him. I understood that I could feel safe with him. But I still was blind. As I changed my behaviour towards him, his feelings for me changed. Friendship became love. And again, I hurt James. He never told me about his feelings, because he knew that I would hurt him. So he decided to hurt himself by not telling.

And then, one day, he was gone. Not longer there. Dead. Lily, dead. Peter, dead, or so I thought. Sirius, a murderer. And I, I was alone. Again.

Again my fear had been confirmed. Everybody whom I trusted had abandoned me. I was alone again.

But I had learned something. I had learned how it felt to have friends. What not being alone felt like. And I wanted to have that again. Then came the diary.

My world crashed. I think I cried and raged for days. I suddenly understood what I had thrown away. And then I wanted to repay James for his love. I wanted to be there for little Harry. I wanted to thank James for his love by raising his son. I wanted to give the child all the love James would have deserved. It didn't work. I had lost my chance. Once and for all.

But now there's Harry. My student. And at the same time, so much more. There is somebody who needs my love. Even if he doesn't know it. It feels as if all the emotions that I couldn't give Harry have piled up. Even if I don't know Harry well, he is some kind of son to me. Or a friend. Like James was. I can't put it in words. I don't have children; I don't know how it feels to be a dad. But I love Harry. I want to replace what he didn't have. A father, like James would have been one. And a friend, like James was one to me.

And now I risked it all. And lost it. Didn't I?

~~

I was not down at dinner. I would have been unable to eat one bite. What about Harry? Somehow we managed to steer away from each other the whole day long. As I think about it, _I_ managed to steer clear of him. As in missing dinner. Why? I should be glad when everything is over. This uncertainty of how Harry will react is driving me nuts.

Will he give me the diary back? Or will I find it pushed under my door tomorrow morning?

~~

Somebody knocks. Harry?

"I waited for you, Harry, come in." I hope he doesn't notice how nervous I am.

"I read them, Remus." Stop. Has he called me 'Remus'? Is that a good sign?

"Er, I mean, Professor Lupin, sir." Oh. Keep cool, Remus.

"It's okay, Harry. You can call me Remus, if you want to." No matter how deep you'll fall, once you've reached the bottom, you can't go any lower. Keep cool, Remus. Act as if everything's totally normal. Go over to the bedroom. Then it's not so far to the bed, should you feel the need to cry later.

Damn, Remus, you're shaking! Act as if you're cold and wrap yourself up in your bedspread.

Harry asks his questions. If I had known about the diary. Yes. If its contents surprised me. Oh yes. How I reacted. I was mad.

He winces. He isn't afraid of me, is he? Please, no! Harry, I would never hurt you! Don't be afraid of me! You never were afraid of me! You're different!

Er, stop. Does he think I'm mad... at him? I was mad that I had been so blind.

He relaxes. Ask your questions, Harry. This is not as bad as I thought it would be.

If I loved your father? I don't think I was able to love somebody, then. I only noticed that when it was too late. That shocks you, right, Harry? But I changed. I now have somebody whom I love, but I don't know how. Can you understand me, Harry?

I made a huge mistake, then. I lost my chance. And there will be no second chance.

"Perhaps there is."

Pardon? What did you say? You can't... no. Impossible.

"What do you mean?"

He kissed me! Harry. kissed me. What.... what does that mean now? He isn't mad at me? We'll stay friends?

"I feel the same way as he did, Remus. It's only starting, but I can feel that it's there."

What do you mean? I don't understand.... don't dare to understand.

"I think I've fallen in love with you, Remus Lupin."

Love? This has to be a dream. Harry.... is James? Harry wants to be my James? No, Remus. Harry is not James. Harry is Harry. He holds you now. As you held James, back then. As you never allowed somebody to hold you. Everything's different, today. What does it mean? Can I really hope? Yes, Remus! Don't make the same mistake again. Don't build up those barriers again. Don't stand in your own way!

"You really... want to be my second chance, Harry?"

I want to believe that. I don't want to be alone any longer. I need you, Harry.

"I am not as far as my father was, but I want to be there for you, Remus. And, when the time comes..."

What do you mean? Oh, James' dreams. He thinks this far? His love would reach this far? I'm not ready for that, Harry. Nor are you. And you are my student. It's not possible. Not yet. But we leave that option open. No barriers, no walls, no obstacles.

We'll take the time we need, Harry.

I still can't believe it. Are you real, Harry? Or have I fallen asleep on the sofa? If I.... kiss you...

No. I don't want to wake up. I don't dare it.

You are real! I can't have dreamt this kiss.

"But, Remus, I am not my father! Do you, I mean, are you feeling.... anything.... for me.?

Oh, Harry! I love you! I'm not as far as your father was, either, but I will learn to love you as you deserve to be loved. As a father, as a friend, and, later perhaps as a lover, too.

I'm so glad you're here, Harry.

finis

Author's note regarding a sequel…

Harry and Remus have whispered some tiny bits of what happened next into my ear, but for a whole story it doesn't make enough sense yet. If I can get them to tell me more and then write it down without Remus censoring every part I want to write ("Oh no, not that! It's too private!" He's so shy!), you'll be the ones to read it second. *grins* Yes, second! Sekhmet will read it first! That's her privilege for being what we call a 'beta'!

Hope to hear, er, read from you! Me likes feedback! Make that 'constructive feedback!'

Greetings,

Foxfeather

   [1]: http://homepages.compuserve.de/HSKAW675/index.htm



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